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brenda1231
Journeyman
Reged: 11/22/03
Posts: 52
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Hi Coty,
Hope today is brighter for ya.
I too remembered the 'wreckless' driving arrest a few weeks ago that Wren spoke (typed) of.
I'm no priss nor an angel, and there are definitely chapters in my life that if I layed out, would sound soap operish or as if I were a drama queen.
I also have to second that I was disturbed by the lack of concern for a criminal charge (the DUI), over the desire to get your meds back. Maybe pain will just do that. Haven't been there so I can't and won't judge you or anyone else.
However, at the risk of offending you I suggest perhaps a good, long, talk with yourself is overdue???
I find out some amazing things, good and bad, about myself when I let myself be completely open and honest to myself .
2 things...if you do love this man, and he does love you, all may not be lost, if and only if, you are both willing to make hard changes that probably would require you both to be off narcotics.
Secondly, if he's not abused you in the past, it very well may have been his addiction biting you and him on the arse.
If you two truly love each other, it would be wise to look up NA possibly? I don't know if it would be easier or harder to go through it together.
And hey....if I have misinterpreted, misread, or am bouncing my ball in the wrong court, and you don't see anything abnormal or 'sad' about your life right now, then I apologize.
I wish you luck.
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Cheers,
B~
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yawkaw3
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 03/22/03
Posts: 1193
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coolcandle,
I checked out your webpage- very cool. Do you make those yourself? Or you just buy and sell?
wren,
Yeah, I remembered that post about the driving charges, but I hesitated to mention it. I think you can never know what it's like to be another person, the best you can do is guide them towards help. The most important thing here is for her to get somewhere safe. Then she can go through the divorce stuff, which IMO is a neccessity. But she's in a variety of abusive relationships, and that needs to be addressed in therapy, otherwise it will happen again with another guy.
coty,
Your first priority to get some cash and get somewhere safe. Go to a motel if need be with your important possessions and get some cash to sustain you.
Then you just need to sit down and think about where things are heading in your life, what *you* want.
I hope you do the right thing here.
-yawkaw
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wren
Enthusiast
Reged: 06/01/02
Posts: 298
Loc: up north & homesick for the di...
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Good Morning to everybuddy who posted,I agree Yawkaw none of us truly know all the story or have not walked in Cotys shoes.You know it is the first thing I thought about when I woke up,so I grabbed a coffee and sat to see if I got flamed or what others said.You Know Coty,I hope more than anything you will continue to post good or bad,and I also hope you do not feel anyone is ganging up on you.I hope you do see a bunch of people who see you in a dangerous situation and an endless cycle.I wish I knew more about your medical situation,but you may even have to stop taking pain meds for a bit to truly get a handle on things,I mean if that is at all possible.But if you can find some good help they will help you work through that,that might be secondary to everything else.But you might have a long road to walk and may need a very clear head to do so.Please post and let us know how you are and I don't know if you have someone you PM on here,but find a one on one buddy on here you feel comfortable with.From what I have seen on here I can bet my life on it that anyone on here would talk to you day or night.And once again PLEASE do not take this as ganging up on you,I see alot of concern and love and that ain't a bad thing! Take care and try to have a nice peaceful Easter Week-end! Happy BUNNY everybunny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wren' 
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its all fun & games til someone puts an eye out,then its still fun ,you just can't see***
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lovely11
Board Addict
Reged: 01/03/04
Posts: 348
Loc: With my dog at my side
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I recognize this woman. I've seen her in the mirror.
There was a time in my life that drama and chaos were all I knew. The environment I grew up in left me in a state of always looking for that drama. You can be addicted to drama, you know. It was what I knew as normal.
Fast forward fifteen years.....after many counseling sessions, cutting the cord that bound me with dysfunctional people, a relationship with Jesus and now I look back and don't even recognize that woman.
My point is this. Only you can change. You can't change the other person. But, when you do change it forces others around you to either change themselves or leave. And, even though we can't change others, we can certainly change the way we respond to them.
My heart goes out to you Coty. The most important thing you could do for yourself right now is to examine your life, ask yourself if this is the way you really want to live, and according to the answers you give yourself, take action.
Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes.
On more cliche' if I may.....the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. It sounds as if you live in an insane situation.
Do take care.
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Lovely - devout dog lover
I wish I were half as good as my dog thinks I am.
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cotybear
Journeyman
Reged: 01/31/04
Posts: 52
Loc: south east
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I appreciate all your posts and i don't mind the harsh words as i need them however in response to dhc_60 "it sounds like you dont have records for your pain meds " I have plenty of medical records i was nearly killed in a car accident in 1993 that started all my problems and since have had a few other accidents that hasn't helped my pain. I have been on hydro's since 1993 to control my pain as when i don't have it under control i can't sit, stand, lay or anything for more than 30-45 minutes at a time so yes my meds are very important to me as i don't need the pain to cause more depression on top of what i am going thru. And after joining the board and reading the post i thought people here had an understanding that seeking help for chronic pain did not make me an addict as being able to control my pain gave me quality of life instead of making me have a miserable life in pain all the time and never being able to find a comfortable position and having no hope for a better life. So i thought people would understand that with all my other life stressers i didn't need to be in constant pain and in withdrawl on top of it. And as for my lack of concern for the dui charge i wasn't so concerned about like i had said i had been married to an alcholic that had multiple dui's and always got out of them so i was falling back on what i had experienced b4 with him. And if i thought i could have a quality life and live with the pain i would quit cold turkey and suffer the withdrawl but i know how bad the pain is and how i can't get comfortable or even think of anything else other than my pain when i don't have any med's. and in 11 years i have never tried to get anything stronger than hydro's as i feel they control my pain enough to give me a quality life and don't need anything stronger. yes i need the harsh words about not taking my husband back as i am very lonely right now but just because i need pain meds to give me a life worth living doesn't make me an addict or even if it does i would rather be an addict than in misery all the time and dreading everyday of my life and feeling like it's not worth living with the pain. But i don't know i am just so depressed and confused right now you all have made me think maybe i should have just let him have my meds and said nothing about it i'm alone i have no kids maybe i should just live in pain it couldn't be worse than what i am feeling now maybe i should suffer maybe i have done something and i deserve it even if i was suffering in servere pain i wouldn't be alone and the fight wouldn't have happened. I just believed for such along time that since there is med's out there to help me with my pain i shouldn't have to suffer (I thought that was why they made them) but maybe you all are right i should just grit my teeth and bare it and suffer the pain and depression.
Coty
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yawkaw3
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 03/22/03
Posts: 1193
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Just because one or a couple people implied you may have a problem with pain meds, doesn't make you an addict. Disregard that from this post and take what you need.
The bigger issue here is leaving your husband. Steal some of his OC's before you do.
You said something interesting though:
Quote:
i'm alone i have no kids maybe i should just live in pain it couldn't be worse than what i am feeling now maybe i should suffer maybe i have done something and i deserve it even if i was suffering in servere pain i wouldn't be alone and the fight wouldn't have happened
The fight happening was the best thing that could've happened.
Now you are at least beginning to see the light- that there is another world out there without abuse. Leave him and keep taking your meds. The important issue is that you LEAVE HIM.
-yawkaw
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viper269
Journeyman
Reged: 03/06/04
Posts: 59
Loc: MI
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yawkaw3 yes I make them my self after being disabled I could work out said the home any more and SSI doesn’t give you much money I needed to find some thing I could do and sell from home and found candle making I love it is ez to do and fun to I glad you like !
Coty
I hope you don’t think I am trying to judging u in anyway I don’t do that to anyone
Just some time we all need a little help I am sorry to here about your car accident
If you ask me we all or most of us are added in one way or another we all need them for the pain and yes even if we could get better we would have to stop them slowly
But that doesn’t make us addicts I my biggest worry of being with out my meds
Is not so much the withdraw as much is it is worrying about the bad pain I would be in it self that scares me the most but would also hope that if someone see me posting a lot about something and thinks I may need help I would want them to tell so I may take a look and see if I should get help but in the end it would be up to me
I so hope everything works out for you and that you will keep posting on anything you fell the need to some time just posting help take care of your self first look at being with out him right now as a brake I love my hubby very much but just every day life he can get to me sometime lol you like not putting down the toilet seat
Or talking about his work to much and I can’t what till he goes to work sometimes so try looking at this time as time to your self no need to cook or clean if you don’t want to watch what ever u want to try taking a hot bath and reading a good book
Or something like that it may help a little good luck
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Helene
Member
Reged: 02/26/04
Posts: 125
Loc: Pennsylvania
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Cotybear,
My heart goes out to you. I used to be married to an alcoholic. He also became extremely abusive. I've been to every ER in the city, always too embarrased and ashamed to go back to the same one, you know? Anyway, one night he was extremely drunk and violent so I hit him with the phone to get him off of me. Then I called the police. They arrested him because I was obviously beaten, but they arrested me too---because I fought back!! If you are in an abusive situation, you need to get the heck out-#%#* the lonley Best if kept off the board. It NEVER, NEVER, gets better. And if he beat you because you wanted your meds back, He'll beat you for other things too. I don't know if it was the first time he ever hit you, but it won't be the last. They tell you they are so sorry, and that it will never happen again, but eventually it will. Don't make the mistake of thinking it wont, or that he loves you too much to ever do it again. Love has nothing to do with why he hit you. He is sick, and he needs help. You need to put some space between the 2 of you RIGHT NOW. You cannot help him, and he will only hurt you again. Don't make the mistake of blaming yourself for his actions either. Please take some advice, and take care of yourself--let him take care of himself. I took it way longer than I should have because I didn't listen, I thought I could change him, or myself, or the situation, or anything he wanted, just to get him to stop beating me. It just gets worse, you can't fix it. God bless you.
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drewsmerdel
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 12/14/01
Posts: 1137
Loc: Nap Town
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no it dosnt make her an addict, but a critical question anyone taking drugs should ask themselves is...
Is this drug causing probelms in my life, or interfering with my relationships, or my job, or my family life, etc. If she answers these questions for herself my quess is the answer will be an overwhelming YES.
I was addictd to hydro for several years of my college life. I went to the school hospital for on going life long headaches, theyre not classified as migraines, but it feels like someone is drilling a hole in my head.
Anyway I asked for T3s or T4s becasue I know how habit forming hydro can be. For some reason they insisted I take 5/500, next thing I know even the slightest ache was being treated with hydro, then getting out of bed I needed a hydro, then a hydro b4 lunch. Next thing I know Im visiting the school hospital more and more often. My job was suffering, my friends were sick of my addiction, my engagement was destroyed, my teachers even noticed my constant empty look and falling marks, and I was always worried about where I was going to get my next script, or if I had less than 20 pills, it was worry time. Thru all of this I thought I dont need friends, a wife, good grades, I just need my 357s at least 5 times a day. I was real good at making excuses why I needed this drug.
To top it all off, I was going thru some serious depression. Im not fearful of going to a counselor, shoot Im in the mental health field. I was very upfront with the counselor about my hydro use, and other things in my life. I was looking for a anti-depressive or something to get rid of the dark cloud that was following me everywhere. The counselor knew my background(psychology) and said you know we really need to get you off of hydro (a CNS depressant) to make sure this is not the cause or contributing to your depression, lack of friends, poor grades, getting fired from your job, etc.
Well after 3 days of addmision to detox, my mind was a bit clearer, and my few remaining friends had removed all hydro based products from my college apartment. GUESS what after about a week the nasty depression cloud lifted, my interest in life was back, friends enjoyed me being me again, I actually got my job back after discussing my rehab, now the engagement that was too late, I managed to work my wholeass off and got my grades back to a decent standing.
I guess I went thru this whole story becasue it sounds as if someone was thinking of the many reasons she needed hydro, another sign of addiction. It just reminded me of my own excuses and how I didnt realize the thing I was concerned with most (hydro) had become my worst enemy, and I either didnt realize it or I would make up excuses as to why I had to have it.
Now days its 800mg ibupofen, if that simply wont work 2 nuro +s does the trick, and I dont feel the need to pop a nuro + every day to get by.
Drew
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Are you hungry?
Are you sick?
Are you begging for a break?
Are you sweet?
Are you fresh?
Are you strung up by the wrists?
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oldnavy170
Board Addict
Reged: 05/12/03
Posts: 357
Loc: New York
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Quote:
Now days its 800mg ibupofen, if that simply wont work 2 nuro +s does the trick, and I dont feel the need to pop a nuro + every day to get by.
Drew
I'm really curious to know what nuro's are? I am not all up-to-date on all the meds out there. Thanks.
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lovepink
Goddess
Reged: 01/01/02
Posts: 1476
Loc: NYC Metro Area
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"Nuro +" is shorthand for Nurofen Plus, an OTC pain reliever in the UK, Australia, and NZ that contains 200 mg. ibuprofen & 12.8 mg. codeine. They are a bit stronger than one would think, given the low dose of codeine they contain.
Hope that helps.
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lastyls
Member
Reged: 05/25/03
Posts: 191
Loc: Usa
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wow thanks! I asked the same question to myself and scrolled down and there you go the answer! 
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lastyls
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Karma2678
Enthusiast
Reged: 07/23/03
Posts: 200
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First of all Coty I am very sorry to hear about what happened. I really know what you are going through because I have been in a somewhat similar position. My husband and I have been together since I was 14 yrs. old I am now 25 and he had a drug problem when he was 18. He was addicted to cocaine different drug but same result. I had NO idea he was on drugs. I guess I was nieve, and just did not realize what was going on and what I was doing wrong to make this man that truely was the greatest, nicest, most easy going person, just act like a completely different person! He was violent at times with me and of course I just thought it was not that bad or I deserved it. Looking back at it I can see I should not have stood for it, and I should have left him. But, in my situation I did not really have to leave him becuase he was on drugs so bad he would not come home. He just stayed with the other people that did the drugs with him. I had no idea what was going on and when he did come home it was because I forced him to come see his child. I thought he was having an affair, or just hated me. Then when he did come home he would stay for a day or so then he would get his paycheck or get a phone call and would want to leave. I would beg him to stay and he would hit me, push me, or just leave me and my child in a public place with no ride home in dead winter! It was horrible and I was miserable and confused because I was trying to be such a great wife to him and nothing worked. We have a child and all I could remember was the person he was before and I knew if I tried hard enough I could change him back into that person. I couldn't, he was in love with the drug and it was the most important thing to him. It was like my child and I and his entire family did not exist anymore. I stayed with him and am with him now. But, I don't know if this is the answer for you because I don't know and noone knows what his next move will be. My husband admitted he had a problem. I guess he hit rock bottom. I don't know what made him decide to quit taking the drugs but he did. Now, when we talk about all of the horrible things he did it seems so unreal like a nightmare. He did change and has been the person I knew he could be for the last 5 years. So it is hard for me to tell you to just leave him, divorce him, because I realize now that a drug is such a powerful thing and it takes over you and makes you do things you would normally never do.
Now, I do believe that at this time while he has not stopped using the drugs it would be best to not get around him alone or in a way where he may become upset. I don't want for you to get hurt. He may never choose to not be an addict and it is not something you can choose for him. Trust me no matter what you do he must choose to change for himself. Before, you decide to stay with him he should get some help if he does not, you have no choice but to keep your distance from him. I really do believe that when times get tuff you should stick around and try to help, but not if helping him hurts you.
I don't know about the other story with the wreckless driving, I don't remember reading anything about it so I won't comment on it. Things in your life seem to be very chaotic right now. It probably would not hurt if you did not think about not being with him right now and thought about you. It seems like you may want to use this time alone in a good way and not just become depressed. What I did was created myself an identity. I have been with my husband since I was a teenager so my life was so centered around just him. It is really unhealthy to be that way because you must know that if something happens like this and it is time for you to go on your own. Your life just does not stop. That is what mine did at that time. I had to begin college, start back my dancing competitions, make some new friends and get a life that did not include him since he did not want to be in my life. Then when he did get the help he needed and I could just tell he was better really better not the same ol I am sorry it will never happen b.s. He came clean to me and told me what was going on and what he was doing to change going to NA, counseling, back to church. I could tell he was trying, I took a chance I knew maybe he would relapse, and I knew it would be a huge struggle and it was. But we did make it, I know it may be a one in a million chance and maybe his age at the time and his age know have something to do with it. Sorry this is so long but I just completely understand how loneyly and devestated you feel and how the advice you need to take is the last thing you want to do, when you are hurting you feel like it will be this way forever, but things can change if you make them change but only you can change you and he must change himself in his own time. Goodluck!
Blessed Be
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~~~ Karma ~~~
Edited by Karma2678 (04/10/04 10:05 PM)
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brenda1231
Journeyman
Reged: 11/22/03
Posts: 52
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Big Hugs Karma.
You deserve a Kudos for sticking with this man, and I am guessing that HE KNOWS IT.
The person that hit you was not and is not the one you are with now. It was the drugs and not him, it's wonderful you were able to help him beat the beast.
That said, I believe that sometimes we, as outsiders looking in, are quick to scream 'get out', or 'leave him', etc. in situations like these.
I have two reasons to believe that it is not always that cut and dry.
My husband of 11 years is a recovered cocaine addict. His 'coke fling' was several years before we met, and I never saw the person that he was, but I heard the stories. In his case, his first marriage fell apart less than a year into it, because he stopped the coke and she didn't.
Also, very few people know this; but my husband hit me about 6 months into our marriage. It was only once, but that was all it took.
Although he doesn't have an alcohol problem (now or then), alcohol was involved. I had him arrested that night, had his mom bail him out. At that time, I told EVERYONE from his parents to mine, what happened, and MADE HIM tell them as well.
We ended up working through this, he was not only very ashamed, but horrified that he hit me. It NEVER happened again.
I want to stress that my husband is the most ethical, honest and trustworthy man I know. He has stood by me...no CARRIED me, through some very bleak times, where many men would have bailed out.
The point being simply that it is not always black and white, and also that drugs, stress, alcohol, etc. often bring out the worst in people. Sometimes it takes seeing this side of themselves before they become motivated to change.
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Cheers,
B~
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yawkaw3
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 03/22/03
Posts: 1193
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Brenda's the last poster in this thread, but I mean this post for anyone in the same circumstances as cotybear:
You might not know this, but there are resources for people who are dealing with loved ones suffering with substance abuse.
Check out http://www.al-anon.org/ and http://www.nynaranon.org/ . Those are the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon webpages (although the nar-anon one is the NY chapter's webpage, I couldn't find a national site).
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are different than Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). They're for the familes and friends who have a loved one in the midst of substance abuse. You'd be surprised to see how many people have similar stories, and what a great support network it can be. I'm sure you can get tons of advice there from people who have been going for a while- I definitely would suggest this. You might be nervous or ashamed at your first meeting, but I guarantee the people there will make you feel comfortable, they felt the same way when they were new to it.
If you are at the point where you just don't know what to do any more, or you are caught between a rock and a hard place, these meetings are the place to go. Al-Anon is more popular than Nar-Anon, but you're allowed at both meetings, regardless of what substance the loved one is using. So if there are no convenient Nar-Anon meetings, just go to an Al-Anon one- a lot of other people are doing the same thing.
And again, these organizations are not AA/NA, and don't worry about 12-step stuff. Most people are there for the companionship and support, even at AA/NA meetings the idea is just take what you need and leave the rest. If you don't believe in a higher power, that's fine- if you only want to go to be heard or hear others or feel a little less lonely, that's fine, too. You do not have to make the 12 steps your life.
Anyway, cotybear- I hope you do go to one of these meetings or speak to a counselor of some sort. I could never give someone advice to stay in an abusive relationship, I think doing it once is one time too many. There is a better life waiting for you outside the door- a life where you're not obsessing about someone else's mood swings you have no control over, or what you can do to calm him down, or how to avoid getting hit. That is not a life, that is a slow emotional death; some days are better than others, but don't let that make you think everything is ok or will be some day- there are men who would be interested in you who would not dream of hitting you. That better life is waiting for you right outside the door, it must be scary leaving all you know, but it is better than living how you do now, that much I am sure of. All you have to do is open that door- how much worse does your life have to get before you will?
When you do eventually open that door, you will look back on it some day as the best day of your life. The real world is not as scary as it looks, trust me.
Best of luck to you cotybear, please PM me any time.
-yawkaw
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Guzele
Journeyman
Reged: 06/04/02
Posts: 71
Loc: Virginia
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I agree with a lot of folks on this thread- Please, please take care of yourself and your safety. My first husband was a cocaine and hydro addict. We had won a fair sized settlement and he blew it on a huge Scarface sized mound of cocaine. I got furious and up-ended the coffee table it was on. He then took the razor he was chopping the coke up with to me. He left me for dead, and only God got me to my front door, where my neighbor found me. It took over three hundred stitches to put me back together, and I am scarred from head to toe. Don't let this happen to you. Drugs make people do strange things when they become more important than life itself.
Please do whatever you need to in order to keep yourself safe!!!
Guzele
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"I was cured, all right.........."-Alex DeLarge, A Clockwork Orange
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lttlbit
Member
Reged: 11/12/03
Posts: 195
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Cotybear, I just read your post and I have to say that is awful, the extremes people will go to in order to get meds, even if it is hurting your loved ones.
I have not read all of the posts on this thread but will after I post this. My husband did the same thing to me, except it was a little different, he was cheating on me with my best friend and he called the police on me and said that I was threatening him, and that he was scared of me, he is 6 feet and i am 5 feet 2 inches and weigh all of 115 lbs, he just had that girl so wrapped around his finger that he did not care what he did to me, the police also saw him as the victim, and then he left and moved in with her and her husband, he also tried to call the police again on me casue he did not want me in the house cause she was telling lies about me, but I owned half the house and the kids were mine to, so I of course did not fall for it, and they did nothing. He also had my bottle of pills that I ordered from the internet of Firoicet, and he said I was a terrible mother cause I had migraine headaches and that the pill bottle was proof even though there were still half the bottle left after oh about 1 year after the expiration date. So to ramble and get off the topic but I just thought I would let you know you are not the only one out there so that should make you feel a tad better, and it made me feel better writing this, no matter what responses I get from it. Thanks for listening, and I hope it goes better for you. My husband and I now get along better then we ever have so I guess out of every negative comes a positive even if we have to look real hard to find it.
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curious
Enthusiast
Reged: 03/14/03
Posts: 211
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Coty,
I have read all the responses to this thread and just wanted to add one more thing. It was vaguely touched on but I just wanted to make sure that you get the most out of eveyones advise. I too, was in an abusive relationship for about 5 years until I met the wonderful man I'm married to today, going on 20 years now. The abusive relationship I was in started out like a honeymoon although thank God I was not married to him, nor did we have children. The one thing I wanted to add to all the great advise that you've gotten thus far is this: These abusive men have a tendency to be extrememly remorseful after the fact. It may not happen right away, but I can not tell you the number of times this man would hit me only to come back days or weeks later and cry and beg and plead for my forgiveness, that it would never happen again, that he would do everything in his power to make it up to me and prove that he loved me. Everytime there was an abusive situation was when he was drinking. He was extremely jealous and after a few drinks I would get accused with sleeping with every man under the sun including his own father. I was never unfaithful so that came from his own insecurities, but nevertheless everytime he was drunk I would get accused of something and he would hit me. One time he started hitting me until I started screaming for help and then he would stop but as soon as I tried to move from the chair I was in he would go at me again. I left so many times and he would always find me and the same old thing, he'd cry, beg, plead and promise. My self esteem went staight down the toilet after a time and it felt like I could do no better and I might as well stay hoping he would change. Believe me, they don't. This is a learned behavior, which he learned from watching his father. And when he was sober he was wonderful and I knew he wouldn't lay a hand on me and never did, only when he'd been drinking. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that he will come back and beg for forgiveness and promise never to do it again. Don't believe it. It won't stop until he's off the drugs and alcohol and maybe not even then. Women die from staying in these abusive relationships because they keep getting knocked down in the self esteem and the self confidence dept. so they stay until it's too late. Don't let that happen to you. If you think it's only the drugs and alcohol doing this to him do not take him back unless he gets help and is clean for a good long time and then really give it some thought. By that time you will have regained your confidence and may realize that it's just not worth the risk. He's sick and he needs help, don't let him near you until he gets help and then and only then really, really decide if this is what you want. I can almost gaurentee that you will be strong enough that you won't feel like you need him anymore. This is coming from experience, I just thank God I got out when I did or I might not be here to reply to this thread. Get strong, and when he says he's sorry, don't believe it, he's not, he's too much in love with his vices to love you or himself right now. You'll be in my prayers.
Curious
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concerned1
Newbie
Reged: 04/12/04
Posts: 29
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I was reading through this thread the other day, when I had just registered my user name so I could post about what BAD experiences I had had with Medscorp (an international OLP) and, hopefully, save others from same. I hope you are doing better, Cotybear. Best wishes. I do NOT think needing hydo makes you anything - "an addict" for instance. (Because there are so many negative characteristics attached to the word "addict" - it really is not a very useful thing to describe anyone). But I can tell you are very unhappy and need a lot of support, and bolstering up of your ego - PLEASE - try to get that from yourself (tell yourself all the GOOD things you are for a change) or from GOOD people. There is never any excuse for someone in a live-together relationship to bash the other person. Yes, sometimes people can work this through - if they are both very strong. YOU do not sound too strong, right now, and I don't think your husband is either. So I think you need to be AWAY from him until you FEEL that sort of strength - to deal with him from a position of strength not weakness. Remember this - "If you hit me once, YOU are a bully. If you do it twice, I am a fool." Do NOT be a fool.
Just one other thing, I think it is NOT true that "people who are addicted to drugs can only have a relationship with the drug, can't love or care for anyone" - I know that is a common perception - but I think most of it comes from the fact that most drugs are very illegal, expensive, and hard-to-find. (You do NOT usually hear this said of alcoholics because alcohol is relatively cheap, legal, easy to get) Drug users have to spend so much time and energy chasing their drugs - however they get them - of course they don't have time for other people. But I have seen too many of them - I know they have the same feelings for other people that everyone does. How they would act if the drugs were legal and dirt cheap? Probably we will never find out, but it is something to dream about.
Good luck, Cotybear - if you are any sort of bear, remember how strong and intelligent and loving of its cubs the bear is - Native Americans regard the bear with great reverence - let the bear spirit be your helper, try to be like the bear. Nobody messes with bears!
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oldnavy170
Board Addict
Reged: 05/12/03
Posts: 357
Loc: New York
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Quote:
. Yes, sometimes people can work this through - if they are both very strong. YOU do not sound too strong, right now, and I don't think your husband is either. So I think you need to be AWAY from him until you FEEL that sort of strength - to deal with him from a position of strength not weakness.
You are so right. I actually never thought of it this way. Maybe Coty loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. Maybe he isn't a hitter but just *acting out* because of the medicine.
I wish you the best Coty!!!!
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wren
Enthusiast
Reged: 06/01/02
Posts: 298
Loc: up north & homesick for the di...
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Hi there concerned,I just wanted to say that was a really wonderful post you just added.So many times "newbies" are given a snub or not had their posts responded to,but I wanted to be sure to say a big welcome to you,and I hope to read many more of your enlightening posts!And Cotybear I hope you are doing well,and just concentrating and taking care of yourself right now and no one else if you know what I mean.You need all your energy just for you right now,don't spend that energy where it is not appreciated.I hope the best for you and sending peaceful thoughts your way..........take care..........Wren'
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its all fun & games til someone puts an eye out,then its still fun ,you just can't see***
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bucket
Journeyman
Reged: 04/03/04
Posts: 68
Loc: wisconsin
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I was reading threw this thread and i just wanted to mention that there is another support group that i found very helpful myself. It's called coda....it's for co-dependent people. If you can find some info on it there is a list of different things that you do in reaction to certian behaviors that show if you are a co-dependent person. It was actually very helpful to me to read about and go to groups. In coda they don't judge you for who you are with or if you stay. They listen if you want to talk and don't make you talk if you don't want to until you feel comfortable. I was really surprised myself when i found how many different things i could relate to. And your past history with an alcoholic makes me think you might be the same. There are different books on the subject that helped me to become a stronger person inside. Hope this helps in some way. And i've been wondering how you are doing? take care
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mizzzj
Enthusiast
Reged: 01/31/04
Posts: 251
Loc: Town of snooping Post Office
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Coty,
I hope you took Lovepink's advice and check out the message board she mentioned.
I have gone through a bunch of "dog doo" with bad men. I got rid of them all. I hate to say it but men and women are too different to get along and respect one another. I am an old spinster by choice and I get lonely, but do have kids to drive me nuts. I don't need a man to do the same. You have to make your own plan and stick to it. Its your life not anyone else's. All anybody can do is make suggestions the choice is yours. J~
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If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
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Caseyaly
Stranger
Reged: 03/22/04
Posts: 21
Loc: Mid-Atlantic Seaboard
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Cotybear, Always remember this ... YOU ARE NUMBER 1! Work on building your self-esteem and confidence. There are plenty of self-help books in your local library and/or bookstore if you don't feel comfortable going thru therapy or the co-dependent group therapy route. Please ditch this guy. Thank goodness you don't have children with him ... there is nothing holding you back from leaving this abusive relationship. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best in the world. You deserve the best!!!
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"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you just might find
You get what you need" ~~ The Rolling Stones
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debbie4884
Member
Reged: 03/12/04
Posts: 135
Loc: Michigan
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I have recently left a relationship for the 10th time. Not from physical abuse, but emotional. I swear this man has two different personalities living inside him.
Anyway, I always play this song from Tesla.. it has the line " Don't let the same dog bite you twice!"
Also from one "dependent/addict" to another- worry about one problem at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself...
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Debbie
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Thanatopium
Member
Reged: 04/22/04
Posts: 110
Loc: The Howling Wastes
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1) Never lay a hand on any human being except in self defense.
a)No man ever hits a woman
2) Never steal from ANYONE
b)No man would steal his womans (and I do not mean that in the possessive sense) medications. He may ask, trade, or get his own
3) If he did it once, he will do it again.
The biggest problem I see with drugs is not the drugs themselves. Drugs do not "make people do things".
People chose to take whatever drugs they are on, and if they can not handle the effects, and chose to continue, well, there is way to much simpering about how "the drug made me do it"
No body made you stick the needle in your arm, lay out that extra line, go out at 4 AM to cop, or physically hurt someone that loves you...
They choose to take the drug, they chose to continue, they did the actions while intoxicated by a drug they selected, and by God Almighty, they should reap what they sow...
Many drug ABUSERS are no better than children, worse, because they really do know right from wrong, and choose to ignore it. They cannot blame ignorance like a child.
I am for compassionate medicine, hate the idea of people being undermedicated, and detest the industrial-pharmaceutical-governemntal complex that dehumanizes the poor and very poor alike...
But it sicken me when someone denies responsibility for their actions.
They need to grow up.
You have my fullest sympathies, please do not mistake me. Leave him, unless he goes for mental help and truly PROVES he is a changed person.
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dsack
Veteran
Reged: 01/20/02
Posts: 564
Loc: midwest
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I agree 100% People are responsible for their own actions, and using something that proves to be harmful mentally or physically is a poor choice made. I've been exposed to the 12 steps, and I just can't agree that addiction is a disease. At some point, a person has to make the concsious choice to snort, shoot, smoke, or pop the drug of their choice. It doesn't sneak up on you like cancer.
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