Brenda's the last poster in this thread, but I mean this post for anyone in the same circumstances as cotybear:

You might not know this, but there are resources for people who are dealing with loved ones suffering with substance abuse.

Check out http://www.al-anon.org/ and http://www.nynaranon.org/ . Those are the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon webpages (although the nar-anon one is the NY chapter's webpage, I couldn't find a national site).

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are different than Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). They're for the familes and friends who have a loved one in the midst of substance abuse. You'd be surprised to see how many people have similar stories, and what a great support network it can be. I'm sure you can get tons of advice there from people who have been going for a while- I definitely would suggest this. You might be nervous or ashamed at your first meeting, but I guarantee the people there will make you feel comfortable, they felt the same way when they were new to it.

If you are at the point where you just don't know what to do any more, or you are caught between a rock and a hard place, these meetings are the place to go. Al-Anon is more popular than Nar-Anon, but you're allowed at both meetings, regardless of what substance the loved one is using. So if there are no convenient Nar-Anon meetings, just go to an Al-Anon one- a lot of other people are doing the same thing.

And again, these organizations are not AA/NA, and don't worry about 12-step stuff. Most people are there for the companionship and support, even at AA/NA meetings the idea is just take what you need and leave the rest. If you don't believe in a higher power, that's fine- if you only want to go to be heard or hear others or feel a little less lonely, that's fine, too. You do not have to make the 12 steps your life.

Anyway, cotybear- I hope you do go to one of these meetings or speak to a counselor of some sort. I could never give someone advice to stay in an abusive relationship, I think doing it once is one time too many. There is a better life waiting for you outside the door- a life where you're not obsessing about someone else's mood swings you have no control over, or what you can do to calm him down, or how to avoid getting hit. That is not a life, that is a slow emotional death; some days are better than others, but don't let that make you think everything is ok or will be some day- there are men who would be interested in you who would not dream of hitting you. That better life is waiting for you right outside the door, it must be scary leaving all you know, but it is better than living how you do now, that much I am sure of. All you have to do is open that door- how much worse does your life have to get before you will?

When you do eventually open that door, you will look back on it some day as the best day of your life. The real world is not as scary as it looks, trust me.

Best of luck to you cotybear, please PM me any time.

-yawkaw