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wantabewell
Newbie
Reged: 06/28/04
Posts: 30
Loc: arkansas
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Ya'll I want to know how you all deal daily with pain and meds and family memebers and their opinions?
I struggle to keep what little bit of Grace I have, when dealing with one family member in particular.
Let me just say this, I have been sick and hurt for a long time. It is not uncommon for me to be in bed for days. I am not that close to my parents (per their selfisness), but have been close to my in-laws. My Father-in-law died so I only have her left.
She takes the exact same medications as I do coincidently. From time to time I have to be in her home because I need help with my two children, as my husband works rotating shifts of days,evenings, then nights. ANY WHO...She will question me often about my meds and what the Dr. has told me about the amount to take daily. I always answer truthfully. I have to say this too, I am a nurse by profession and she is in Cosmotology. Well, she always implies that the doses I take are too high and self- imposed, rather that physician. She has written me many times about it and it infuriates me!
When I ask her what the appropriate amount is, she always says "three a day is enough for anyone to take." She is talking about three 10 MG Hydro. What a joke. I can hardly make it on 6 a day. But what makes me so mad is that in a month's time we both use the same amount of meds, the exact same number! But, somehow she arrives at the conclusion that I take too many and she never includes herself in that category! I am so tired of it. I need strength to deal with it all somedays. The thing is, she takes it on a daily basis and I take it on the days that I hurt the worst, in the end, 90 amonth is 90 a month!
How do you deal with daily pain for ten years, kids and spouses that are immune to it all and then bare listening to someone lecture you. I call it down here, Preachin' to the Choir.
Anyone have any suggetions as to how to handle this? What would you say to her?
I have a TERRIBLE temper and that is why I usually say nothing, because when I open my mouth I go off and can't shut-up if I had to! So.....I pray for Grace.
I also think she starts this when I am there because I don't think she believes my pain all the time and she thinks I just put myself to bed to avoid being responsible. Just like I take vacations every week from reality! Whatever..And mind you she takes Benzos with hers and I don't, maybe the potentiation factor she gets would cut my doses down too, but we aren't all so lucky to have a doc you can call locally every month and pretty much place your order, picking from the menu!
And by the way, she has no joint issues or anything wrong other than the work she does and a muscle problem from repetitious movements.
Sorry, so long...I needed to VENT! Thanks Guys for letting me!
-K-
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seamaiden
Newbie
Reged: 05/20/04
Posts: 43
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this family member needs to be worrying about her situation and what your pain levels and how you control it are not her business, does she pay your rent, give you money, take care of your life i doubt it, tell her to get a life and worry about the meds she is taking. she sounds like she is way too much into your personal business, take care of yourself and especially your health, and stop debating with this woman about how much medication each of you are taking. this only adds more stress that i sure you dont need. maybe if this family member had a life she would stay out of yours. take care and stay healthy
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wantabewell
Newbie
Reged: 06/28/04
Posts: 30
Loc: arkansas
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Thanks Seamaiden. I needed to hear that. Sometimes I think I know what the answers are, but it helps and gives me strength to hear it from someone else. Thanks for being understanding and kind to me.
-K-
And you are right, she is so far over involved in my life that I can hardly find the boudaries anymore.
The fall-outs through the years have been HUGE over this very thing. I am always the bad guy though, no matter what stance I try to take.
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Marmann
Newbie
Reged: 11/10/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Western Pennsylvania
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I usually feel terrible that my only living relatives are my daughter and grandchildren. If I had relatives like yours, I don't think I'd feel so bad!
My personal pain syndrome usually requires me to take 1-2 (rarely 3) 7.5/750 Hydro a day (sometimes none on those gloriously rare pain-free days; sometimes around the clock for the horrid ones). I'm sure some people require less and some people require more. I would NEVER presume to tell someone else that their dosage is too much. (Ha ha... you might want to tell her what MY hydro dosage is and tell her that SHE is taking too much, then see how SHE likes to be judged!!!) Maybe you could offer to trade SKIN with her so she could live inside YOURS for an hour.
I realize the neither of my suggestions are really of any help. I just read your post and felt my blood starting to boil and just wanted to respond. You seem to be handling the situation with more "grace" and definitely CLASS than I would be able to!!!
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DailyPain
Newbie
Reged: 06/29/04
Posts: 41
Loc: AZ
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Wannabewell,
I think everyone else is right! We've talked and we basically have the same problems and there are some days I wonder why in the world I am still doing this? Going through pain all the time with no one really believing me, but you know what? I don't really give a chit! The only one that needs to worry about what I, or you or anybody else goes through is THEIR problem! We deal with it ourselves. We always have our great freinds at drugbuyers of course  . We know they understand. Heck half the time I don't really say anything to anyone about my pain because I'd just have to hear them or see them thinking..."oh, what's wrong with her now?!?". I don't want to even deal with that so I just keep my mouth shut. My boyfriend however, is VERY understanding! He never questions me about my pain. NEVER! I so appreciate that about him.
The other thing, which I do...is keep your meds somewhere else, so she or nobody else knows how much you're taking anyway. Keep them hidden and then take it with no one seeing and then they can't harp on you about how much you're taking. Heck, where's the proof that you're even taking any anymore? Anyway, I feel bad for you. I wish we didn't have to feel this way...but we do. Just take care of yourself! Please don't stay in bed . We need to here with us. Just take the required amount of meds that you need to take to get you through the day. Take care and we'll talk soon.
Hoping you all have a pain free day!
DailyPain
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
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curiousdee
Member
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 198
Loc: Southeast U.S.
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Wannabewell, your story certainly rings familiar with me. In January I started seeing a new specialist who told me NOT to tell anyone what meds I take. Now if someone asks what meds I take I just say, I don't talk about that. It's personal. Believe it or not, hardly anyone asks anymore about my meds. It is off limits. To me,its as personal as my sex life. Why shouldn't it be? I can tell whomever I want to tell or not. Establish a boundary for your mother in law and then stick to it. Hide your meds. You can always blame it on your doctor. That is your business only. 
Curiousdee
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bronwyn
Journeyman
Reged: 11/11/03
Posts: 74
Loc: bluegrass
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I am soooo sorry that this is happening to you. Been there - Maybe this will help...
I have two mostly wonderful sets of inlaws, Mom and stepdad and dad and stepmom...We all have problems with health. Mominlaw has crohns and needs a hip replaced. She takes 1/2 of a 5/500 and it knocks her out for the day (rarely gets them or takes anything) but ultram does nothing for her (thank god she's let me have a couple every now and then when I've been in a pinch). She understands the pain and resulting limitations from a failed back fusion that may have created some RA/lupus/fibro issue (still being tested) and even went out and bought a select comfort bed matress for the spare room at her house so that I could sleep when we go down 1-2 times a month (this is the air bed and I love mine!!!!!) (sorry for the plug but I can adjust it with the level of pain!) and even understood when I couldn't bare to get in the car for 5 minutes to go to work, let alone 1.5 hours to go down there - they came up and saw me (yes I love her!!!)
On the flip side, stepmom has a daughter that had fusion 4 months before mine and is also having the same problems. She, fortunately, has a better doc than I do who has her on the patches, along with percoset for breakthrough (allthough I think she is also taking hydro and whatever else she can get and does now have a problem, but the pain is real, just not well controlled). Stepmom thinks that taking anything is bad and that no one should take meds, except when she gets a kidney stone she wants her tylox, which I had never had until my stone and haven't had since. Let me clarify here - she has major back problems also, to the point of all she does is sit on the couch and watch TV. She won't go on vacation to see her husband's dying family becuase it will hurt (he also doesn't have much longer due to heart and uncontrolled diabetis). We have argued about meds and she has told me to "get a stiff upper lip, tough it out, and stop complaining!" Well, I told her this last time that may work for her, but it isn't controlling my pain, I'm 32 and deserve to live a normal life - including dancing, going to sports, taking trips, and enjoying my husband of less than 2 years, and that I would do anything to get that relief, especially since I know the pain won't ever go completely away, but I think after all of this I deserve to be at 3-4 rather than the 8-9 I live at. She finally huffed and puffed and said that I should go the the clinic that her daughter goes to because they will give me "whatever you want, no questions asked" (too bad it's not covered by insurance and 1.5 hours away, esp. since the pain mgt clinic here I can go to said that if I didn't want a nerve block then they couldn't help me because they don't prescribe meds (last proceedure they messed up and then told me to deal with it and they couldn't help me)). Believe you me I am looking into that clinic though.
Bottom line - be straight with her - tell her it's none of her business what you take or when or how much (unless she is actually handing them to you and also an MD), tell her you're glad that 3 a day works for her, but body chemistries are different, and she needs to stop talking about it. Then get the hubby to say the exact same thing to her. Then every time she starts again, say I thought we had discussed this and that this topic is inappropriate between us and change the subject. If she keeps coming back to it, tune her out and pick up a book or a puzzle (have a book or puzzle book available just for this occassion that you carry on you whenever she is around). Also the modified serenity prayer can be helpful ( you know the one about not having killed anyone today, but give you help when you get out of bed) - at least you have a good chuckle when the topic comes up.
Good luck. You have my prayers.
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Bronwyn
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IMSUSCOT1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 10/23/02
Posts: 1122
Loc: usa
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I realize this is a month old, but have you ever considered telling her what she wants to hear? It would solve the problem of her being overinvolved, and in the scheme of things far less stressful for you to simply tell her, you know, I've cut back and usually use 3 a day now, or I've added ibuprophen and so I've been able to cut down my use. It's not an important "lie" and will make her feel better and reduce your feelings of anger towards her. What do you think her motive is in this? Perhaps if you could figure that out, you could deal with her better. Just a suggestion.
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tray1
Enthusiast
Reged: 11/22/03
Posts: 241
Loc: US
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Bronwym,
You sound like me, I too would be estatic for a consistant 4-5. I have days I am confined to bed and I am also pretty much limited to 20 minutes of driving time (One of my conditions is sciatica caused by piriformous syndrome and the leg pain usually is aggrivated by any long periods of sitting) On my last visit to the spine clinic I was basically given the option of a fusion or live with it, I have DDD, a buldging disc and radiculopathy to boot I really dont want to add failed back syndrome in the mix so I am not having the fusion.
As for the original poster I dont have the answers as to how to deal with nosy people and what to say, it seems like the first question they ask is what kind of meds are you on but I would go with the poster who has decided that her meds are her own personal business and tell people that you do not discuss such things. I had a friend come to my house not to long after I was hurt and stole a bottle of meds from me, lucky for me she grabbed the wrong bottle it was vallium not my pain meds so the joke was on her.
I wish you the best and hope you can find someway to deal with this that is comfortable for you, just dont let anyone ever make you feel guilty for taking medications that allow you to live a normal life!
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