DrugBuyers.Com: Hydro and depression relief?

And here's my two cents.
First, I just went back and re-read this whole thread.
Geez. Now I am not depressed just because I am depressed, I have a reason. My brain hurts and I feel stupid.
D'oh! What was I saying?
oh yeah; Spongemom I am exactly like you; I have gone thru cycles of hope and despair and self-medication most if not all my life. I have had snatched and stolen moments of happiness, and a lot of Hades.

I am so tired of getting hopeful that it's just some nutrient I "forgot" to eat for the last forty years.
I am so scared of therapy by now.

I wanted to say that I go thru the same thoughts as you.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish I could sleep. I can never sleep anymore, started when I was drug-free; but it was a hard year or two or pain and loss; no matter how long I go without sleep nothing changes it.
I used to be able to sleep whenever I needed to escape.
I just want to sleep for the next 16 hours out of every day of my life.
I hate my life. I don't feel like changing my life.
and right now it is before my period and no pain pill is touching my pain for at least four days in a row.

I wait and hope for help too.
Tone, you really have your studying working for you.
Your posts were just--wow! I had to re-read them and really think. I loved this. Thank you, Tone.

Trampy, I agreed with your view point, too. I think I have been on every AD. Prozac works, only in tightly controlling dosing with some sort of sleepaid. I hate gaining weight, as it is, I hate not being as slim as I used to be, so any drug that might cause weight gain, makes me panic. But you are right, I think a lot of the meds are marketed so slickly, with the idea of getting as many dosage units as they can out there as long as possible until each drug is limited to a smaller range of treatments for ills. When each one comes out, it terrifies me how each one is so marketed for everything all over again.
So, Thank you Trampy for letting me know I am not alone in my disillusionment with a promising group of meds (ADs) that were marketed so massively to my doctors thru the years. I remember when Prozac stopped working for me years ago. The rep was always at my doc's. He pretty much said that that couldn't happen. Every time, it takes thousands of people before the company changes its story. During that process, I wonder how many people are chastised for 'imagining' that a process has unraveled for them, until they are lucky enough, like me, to stumble on a support board and read they are not alone.
It is a special kind of torture to want to do better and to wonder if one is holding out on onself, and those around who are trying to help. The least one can ask for, is a little information.
Thank God for finding this place, it was the key to many other searches and boards that kind members here provided, and because I did not have to make formal contact with anyone; I was able to come and take the help when I could.

And Timber; I'll raise my hand. I recognize that behavior. That's my behavior, that I found I was capable of, when thru eating disorders and insane exercise, I DID break thru my endorphin barrier. All I had to do to make contact with it was skip another meal and run a little farther.

I loved it. I have never found another drug as wonderful and curative as anorexia. I don't like feeling. I like being distanced from people.
I love my cats.
I wish I had a dog again.
I was happier alone with my pet hawk
than with any group of people, I knew at the time.
Am I supposed to change?
Why?
I touch people's lives only when I want to; when I am done with them I expect them to go away. I wasn't always like this. But I got hurt enough, that I learned the pleasure of giving hurt. I prefer being dispassionate.

The only thing that irritates me is when someone expects me to feel sorry for not feeling sorry. They have no right to any emotional responses from me, unless I feel like giving it to them.
I don't want therapy so I can be a better person. I want cognitive therapy for control over myself and others, so I can get what I want in the appropriate time frame, and stop wasting my life. I am bored. I need to be diverted. This is just existing.
So; I read your post and I was shaken for the first time in awhile; I have to say; I saw myself exactly as if in a mirror. Your description of your Friday is my description of tens of thousands of days.

But those are my good days.
I just want to like myself. I don't really care if anyone else does. People are like Kleenex; there is always a fresh box to open; why keep the old. When was the time you saw a family that tried to get along? All the friends who try to hang on to me want something from me. There is always a windup and then, they want something from me. People want stuff.
I don't want anything from them.
I just want my life, anyway anyhow, at any cost.

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First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

- Mahatma Gandhi

Edited by prettyday (08/26/04 04:17 AM)