Toe...Take a really deep breath and let it out slowly. Now again. I "get" you loud and clear. I have suffered a lifetime with Major Depression too. Even people w/chronic unrelenting pain will admit that nothing is worse than what you are going through. You are probably a "non-responder" to the anti-depressants, as am I. Right now you feel like driving on the sidewalk and too bad if anyone gets in your way. I know how you feel. And having to wait for decent care with a major depressive episode hanging over your head is so difficult! (I have some suggestions for you). Like you, I refused to take anti-psycotic meds b/c I'm not psycotic and if your problem is cronic major depression and they give you anti-psycotics it's not really to treat your depression, it's just to make you too "drugged" to complain. Sadly, for us many non-responders, Dr's do not treat our symptoms. We know that despite the commercials that show the Bubble dragging on the groung, crying, and very sad... and then immediately after taking prozac, zoloft,(or whatever???); The Bubble is smiling, laughing and floating along & the flowers are blooming & dancing, & the rain has stopped and the sun is shining! Even the #%* "Bluebird of Happiness" flies by singing and waving hello! Nothing upsets me as much as those commercials b/c your family, friends, employers, etc; wonder why you can't or won't respond like that! Anyway, I digress...Back to you Toe...PM me and tell me what you are taking and together we will get you through this. I don't want to be deleted b/c someone might think I'm giving you medical advice...mic